I remember booking into a rehab around Pesach, which always meets Easter somewhere in April.
To be honest, I can’t remember the finer details, but since I’ve cleaned up, I’ve been working with families of alcoholics and I’ve noticed the pattern. The next three weeks are short, ”four working day work weeks” in South Africa. We have Easter Friday this Friday, and first night Pesach. Next week Monday is family day, bringing in another four day work week, and the following week has May the first, slap bang on Wednesday, Workers day, another public holiday. 
So what does this mean? Well for alcoholics, this looks a lot like a reason to take it easy, and kick back with a couple of “well deserved drinks”. The other thing, is that most employees manage to schedule a couple of days leave in, to get the longest time off, so there’s not much happening in the office, is there? This was my thinking in my drinking days.
Be aware of this in the coming weeks. If you suspect a family member is an alcoholic, you’re probably right. The problem is, the alcoholic can’t possibly agree with you, because that would mean interfering with the next couple of weeks drinking. If you outright ask your alcoholic if he or she thinks she might be an alcoholic, well, good luck with that conversation.
Everyone around an alcoholic can see there’s a drinking problem. Except for the alcoholic, who will deny this and go to any lengths to assure you that you’re crazy! How dare you say that?! Indignant huffing and puffing or a cold shoulder will come at you full force. There it is.
Now, about the relationship?
In families where addiction is present, the alcoholic wants to be comfortable while continuing drinking, and his or her loved ones want to feel that they’re fulfilling their obligation to support the person they love.
What ends up happening is alcoholics get comfortable being alcoholics, and families likewise get comfortable with enabling them. Breaking this cycle requires three steps:
- Recognize that you’re in a co-dependent relationship, and what your role has been thus far (accept the facts, and forgive yourself).
- Commit to changing your role, and decide to hand responsibility for managing the addiction back to your alcoholic loved one.
- Summon the courage to undergo the discomfort of change that is necessary to break this destructive cycle.
What Is Co-dependency?
Codependent behavior is when two people rely on each other to give them something they can’t provide for themselves.
In the case of addiction, the alcoholic usually depends on the family member to provide financial and lifestyle support, because their addiction makes them unable to care for their own basic needs (job, food, shelter, etc.). They also are often dependent on family members to give them the love that they don’t feel for themselves, to continually prove to them that they are worthy of love, attention and resources.
Family members usually need to feel that they are being a good parent, spouse, sibling or friend to the addicted loved one. Alcoholics know this, and they use it to manipulate and take advantage of their family members, knowing they can get away with it.
Here are some ways to recognize if you’ve become caught up in a codependent relationship:
- You seem to feel personally responsible for others.
- You think and feel responsible for other people – for others’ feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
- You feel anxiety, pity and guilt when other people have a problem.
- You feel compelled – almost forced – to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or trying to fix
- You’re always anticipating other people’s needs.
- Your own needs aren’t being met.
- You try to please others instead of yourself.
- You wonder why others don’t help you the way you help them.
- You find yourself saying yes when you mean no, doing things you don’t really want to be doing, doing more than your fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
- You don’t know what you want and need or, if you do, tell yourself that what you want and need is not important.
- You find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injustices done to you.
- You feel safest when giving.
- You feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to you.
- You feel sad because you spend your whole life giving to other people and nobody gives to you.
- You find yourself attracted to needy people.
- You find needy people attracted to you.
- You’re often at the mercy of someone else’s drama or neediness.
- You abandon your routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
- You over commit yourself.
- You feel hurried and pressured.
- You feel bored, empty and worthless if you don’t have a crisis in your life, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
How to Break the Cycle of Co-dependency
Alcoholics aren’t the only ones who avoid intervention and treatment. Families tend to avoid intervention also because it’s hard on them too. It’s uncomfortable, emotionally taxing and the fraught with uncertainty.
In order for change to happen, families and their alcoholic loved ones must face the discomfort of change. This can be scary, but thankfully it is just a period of transition; the discomfort isn’t permanent.
Alcoholics will almost never choose to take on the discomfort of change. If they could do it on their own, they would have already done so. Family members are the only ones with the perspective and courage to step up, stop the cycle of codependency, and make change happen.
It isn’t easy at first, but the short-term discomfort is worth it for the long-term benefits: saving your loved one’s life, and your own sanity.
Rehab isn’t the end of the world! In fact, for me and countless other alcoholics in recovery, rehab is the start of the best years of our lives. We just needed the nudge, we needed you to help us because we honestly couldn’t do it alone.
info@alphatreatment.co.za