What to do
To do nothing is hurting them. In fact, turning a blind eye is to enable the person to continue with their addiction.
Is it more humane to stand helplessly by and watch addicts and alcoholics killing themselves? It’s probably very difficult for you to approach them, but you do need to confront the person sooner rather than later. It’s always best to speak to an addiction professional before confronting the person. You need to have a plan to get the person help, before it’s too late.
How to approach an addict or an alcoholic you love and want to help.
It’s helpful to tell the person that you are concerned about the behaviours you are seeing. Ask them if they are struggling and tell them you want to help them. Setting boundaries, or deciding on an intervention is never an easy step. To understand that It’s not the drugs or alcohol that’s the problem. It’s the addicted persons thinking, can help your approach.
Again, ask a professional for advice on how to approach the person to achieve the best outcome. If you love them and don’t feel able to have a conversation without escalating, consider asking a counselor to meet with you together.
Signs that a person probably is using drugs.
If you can tick off three or more signs you can be sure there is a problem
- Change in moods, either very “up” or very “down”. Bad mood swings, apathy, lack of motivation. Irritated, snappy or overly lethargic.
- Secretive behaviour, either going out for extended periods or isolating in their own space for extended periods.
- Change in sleep patterns, either too sleepy and sleeping for too long, or going for long periods without sleep.
- Changes in appearance and personal hygiene. Appearing scruffy, wearing dirty clothes, not washing or brushing teeth, shaving. Dirty fingernails.
- Neglecting their health. Picking at spots on their face, in their hair or on their body. Appear pale, drawn, dark circles around eyes.
- Changes in eating patterns, either binge eating, or not eating at all, perhaps only drinking milky steri stumpies, milo or drinking yoghurt.
Enabling behaviour
Sometimes it can be as hard to stop enabling as it is to stop an addiction. If enablers try to stop, they often end up feeling very guilty. They feel responsible for the addict, and they are afraid of what might happen to the addict without their help. Letting go of that feeling of responsibility is a difficult process. If you’re an enabler, the most important things to accept are that you are not responsible for an addict’s life, and that they can only help themselves.
If you want to stop enabling, it’s a great idea to get professional help. A therapist who specializes in enabling and codependency can help you tremendously. With their support, you can explore the motivations behind your enabling, and you can learn ways to stop. There are lots of different emotions that come with caring about an addict, and therapy for yourself – regardless of whether or not the addict is getting help for themselves – will help you process those feelings.
In order to stop enabling, you’ll have to put stricter limitations on what you will and will not do for an addict. You’ll have to decide what restrictions you’ll put in place, and you’ll have to stick to them. For example, you might refuse to give an addict anymore money at all, refuse to bail them out of jail, or refuse to let them stay in your house while they’re under the influence. By putting restrictions in place, you’re breaking the cycle of enabling, and you’re letting the addict face the consequences of their use, which is essential if you ever hope for them to seek help. If an addict is shielded from consequences, they have no reason to stop using.
You may also find it helpful to seek out a support group for loved ones of addicts. Co-Dependents Anonymous and Al-Anon are two popular groups. Here you’ll meet people that understand exactly what you’re going through, and their experiences can help you learn more, including how to develop new attitudes and behaviors that don’t enable.
You must begin to put yourself first. For too long, you’ve been putting an addict’s needs before your own and neglecting yourself. You are a loving person who is deserving of happiness, and you need to find your own. Your physical and emotional health should be your priorities. It isn’t easy to stop, but enabling an addict is only making their problems worse in the long run.