Loving an Addict or Alcoholic

Living with and loving an addict is not easy. Anyone who says it is has not fully experienced the scope of addiction and the havoc it can wreak on the lives of those closest to the one struggling. It is very easy for relationships to become strained and even crumble under the stress of fighting a disease that is so misunderstood and I’m here to tell you that it can be prevented.

It is possible to love and support a family member who is struggling with addiction without losing yourself in the process.

Five Tips

1. SUPPORT YOUR LOVED ONE IN THEIR RECOVERY

It is so important for your loved one to know that you fully support their recovery attempts, and I say, “Attempts” because very often, it will take more than one for them to turn their life around. Having patience is key. You can’t “fix” them, but you can offer to be there for them; To listen when they need to talk, to drive them to a recovery meeting, to check in with them when you know there are temptations they’re facing.

My brother has known since the beginning that I will always answer the phone when he calls. I will pick him up any time of the day or night if he finds himself in a situation that he needs to get out of quickly. I’ve offered to go to his NA meetings with him. My brother knows he can knock on my door, and has many times, when he just needs to be in someone’s presence and feel like someone understands what he is going through.

Doing what you can to support your loved one in their recovery from addiction will help them feel like they aren’t fighting alone but rather, have an army behind them. It will give them a little light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.

2. SET BOUNDARIES

There’s a big difference between supporting someone with addiction and enabling them but the two often get muddled. It’s imperative to set boundaries with your loved one to ensure your relationship remains a healthy one and that you aren’t hindering them from recovery.

When I stepped forward as a support system in my brother’s life, I made it perfectly clear that I would not do anything illegal for him. I would not purchase drugs for him, nor would I give him money to buy them. I would not drive him somewhere to buy drugs and I wouldn’t be dishonest with law enforcement if he was caught doing something illegal, in order to keep him from getting in trouble. He understands these boundaries are in place to keep me safe and our relationship healthy and he has never crossed that line.

3. REMEMBER, YOUR LOVED ONE IS NOT THEIR ADDICTION

If you’re close to anyone who has battled addiction, you know it can change a person. When you live a life that revolves around finding your next fix, you become desperate to make sure you can get that fix. You might lie, steal and manipulate to get what you want. Looking from the standpoint of a family member who is trying to be supportive, you have to understand and remember that it’s the addiction that is making them do those things.

Your loved one was likely not a liar or a thief before they became hooked.

Addiction changes the way the human brain works, very much like dementia. They are still the person you love but their mind is not functioning the way it should normally work. This is why overcoming addiction is so difficult. They can’t just “snap out of it”. Recovery is a very long process and must be cultivated in order to be successful.

4. HOLD YOUR LOVED ONE ACCOUNTABLE

Having an accountability partner is key, whether you are trying to lose a few pounds or journeying through sobriety. My brother knows that we (our other siblings and I) are checking in on him and will hold him accountable for the decisions he makes. If he goes missing for several hours and we suspect he could be getting into trouble, you better believe we’re calling him asking where he is, who he’s with and what he is doing. It might sound harsh to treat an adult that way but if an addict thinks no one is checking up on them, that’s one less thing preventing them from making bad decisions.

It’s important to remember when holding an addict accountable, that you come from a loving and supportive place. Rather than toss accusations at them, let it be known that you are concerned for their safety and want to support them on their journey to sobriety.

5. CONTINUE LIVING YOUR LIFE

One of the most difficult things about supporting a loved one who struggles with addiction is not allowing yourself to be dragged down in the battle. It’s so easy to become wrapped up in the drama, that it becomes YOUR drama and you can’t let that happen. This is not your war to fight. Your loved one must want to become sober and they must take the steps necessary to achieve that.

You can’t force sobriety on a loved one and you can’t make their fight, your life.

You’re tired of living with an addict but can’t leave. It’s so painful and you don’t know what else to do. There is a solution. You can regain your sanity by practicing detachment.