Here’s a quote by author John Holt:
“The true test of intelligence is not how much we know how to do, but how do we behave when we don’t know what to do.”
What if our capability is determined not so much by what we know, what we’ve mastered, but by what we do at those critical junctures when we don’t know what to do?
How profound. And how opposite to what most of us learn growing up.
Every creative journey takes us to places of I haven’t been here before. I don’t know what comes next. I don’t know what to do.
Every relationship brings us to those moments of I don’t know how to solve this conflict. I don’t know what to say. Or perhaps, I don’t know how to take away your hurt, or mine.
Often we will encounter moments of “I don’t know how to fix this problem.”
“I don’t know where this is meant to go from here.”
“I don’t know how to grow into the person this is asking me to grow into.”
The question that Holt asks us to ask ourselves is, “What do I do when I don’t know what to do? How robust is my toolkit for those moments? How helpful are the actions I turn to?”
This reminds me of what started as my addictions to alcohol and pharmaceutical drugs. Not realizing that I had Bipolar 2 disorder and major depression disorder, I turned to alcohol and drugs to lessen my fear and anxiety.
Now I know for sure that alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, and heightens anxiety and depression when used excessively.
This is the case with many of my clients. When we unpack what started off on our addiction, we usually discover that it was inadequate coping skills and unhealthy self defeating behaviors. Most addicts I’ve had the honour of working with have misused substances in order to feel better, or to medicate the “big, unmanageable feelings”.
The marvelous thing about being an addict or alcoholic, is that we can decide to be abstinent from mind altering substances. When we put the booze down, we replace this time with being with other people in recovery. This is a connection so deep, so transformational, that it lifts our mood instantly and helps us to shift focus from ourselves and our overthinking, to others around us. We can share openly and honestly about what our problems are. In return, people relate to our situations and even offer solutions, which in turn enhances our deep connection to a caring community.
When I don’t know what to do, now that I’m living in the present, I have many tools available to me, the best of which is connection and honesty. All I have to do is make the call, ask for help. I know that the solution is in the way of life that I live in sobriety, connected to so many sources of support and networking. Even if I’m travelling abroad, I can reach out to the fellowship and if necessary, somebody will pick me up and help me out. This is what “fellowship” and “the rooms” gives us. Support anywhere we go, this is the power of living in the solution of working a recovery program. Often, I pray for an answer, a direction, some shift – and then wait for it to come in some form. Other times, I journal or go to a meeting, where I can share in a safe space, using words to help make something buried and murky come to the surface. There’s a freedom is exposing secrets which at one time, made us sick, stressed out and shameful. The beauty of the recovery program is its simplicity. I never have to be alone, and it’s absolutely okay to say “I don’t know”. What a relief, and release, to remember.
What I try to use more in toolkit that our recovery program provides, is reaching out for help from others sooner.
When you don’t know what to do, what do you do? What is in your toolkit? And what might you like to add to it?
Any interesting journey will take us again and again to the crossroads of not knowing. To be human is to again and again and again not know . And what we do from there makes all the difference.
“We stand this way to remind ourselves that we never need stand alone again, unless we choose to.”
Recovery is bliss, so work it – YOU’RE WORTH IT!